Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, & Mentalist

Category: Thoughts

4 Quadrants Of Mind Control Updated

This is a video update from a popular post I wrote awhile back.
Transcript
4 Quadrants of Mind Control
I want to clear up a lot of misconceptions around persuasion and influence in people that feel like it’s icky. I think it comes from a lot of assumptions that aren’t true or misunderstanding of the landscape of influencing people, and I would like to help you understand why. persuasion and influence absolutely should be in your toolkit if you are working on anything that makes the world a better place.
When it comes to this whole thing, I like to think of it in two different dimensions. Kinda like if we were, uh, drawing out a graph on this side, on the horizontal plane on this side would be. If you are trying to benefit yourself at the expense of somebody else, at their detriment, you’re, you’re gonna make them worse off.
While you are better off. That’s on this side. If you are going to help everybody involved, you and the other person maybe. You and your family, you and your employees, and your company and your clients and all of their families and all of their clients. And in that way, everybody and everybody that they are connected with is better off.
That’s the awesome side. This is the not so good. This is the, uh, very good, which is the win win on multiple levels, kind of fractal idea. The vertical side is what are you trying to change? Uh, if this was who is going to benefit just you at the expense of everybody else and everybody involved. Who benefits this is, uh, what are you trying to change?
And I know that these actually go together, but it’s easier to think of them as separate. Um, so if you are trying to change their beliefs, that’s up here, and if you’re trying to change their behavior, That’s down here. And if you behave in a certain way, you’ll learn to believe the certain way.
So I know it’s really a continuum, but for the purposes of this video, we’ll just make them, uh, be on separate sides of that spectrum.
So,
If you are trying to benefit yourself at the expense of somebody else and you are changing their behavior, then that is called coercion. I don’t care how you feel. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care about your opinion. I just need you to do something that benefits me, which is, uh, what robbing somebody is.
I don’t care how you feel about this. I just want you to give me your wallet. That’s the behavior that benefits me is you giving me your money. So that’s what coercion is. Now if I’m trying to change your beliefs to benefit me at your expense, that’s called manipulation. And the most common way of manipulating somebody is to manage the narrative, withhold facts and information that they would need to make a fully informed decision about.
Whatever it is that we are currently talking about, and if I withhold information, if I manage that narrative, if I don’t give you all the facts and information that you need, then you’re going to come to a different conclusion then you would have otherwise. So your beliefs will be out of alignment with reality, and you will believe that helping me is the right thing to do when it’s actually at your expense.
So that’s why. Changing somebody’s beliefs to my benefit at your expense is called manipulation, which is what most people think of when they think of sales or business. That I have to withhold things, otherwise you wouldn’t buy from me. And that’s to me the worst kind of business. And I also want you. To be able to recognize when it’s happening so that you aren’t taken in by somebody who is managing the narrative to their benefit and your expense.
That’s why I love talking about persuasion. And influence. So to me, changing somebody’s behavior to everybody’s benefit is what influence is. The example I’d like to use is going to a restaurant. I don’t need you to believe that this is the best restaurant. On planet Earth, I know that they’ve got something that you like.
I know that they’ve got something that I like and I know that it’s a good environment for the reason that we are getting together. Are we celebrating, uh, an anniversary? Is this a business thing or did we lose somebody and we need somewhere quiet that we can kind of get together and, and, uh, connect that way?
So, I don’t need you to believe it. I just need you to agree to go to this restaurant so that we can have the right kind of experience. So that’s what influence is, is changing behavior to everybody’s benefit. Persuasion is changing your belief and persuasion is the thing that is the most powerful because your beliefs inform your decisions, your behavior, and the actions that you take.
So if you can change somebody’s beliefs, you’re going to change their behavior moving forward from that point on. So that’s why persuasion is the most powerful and. It takes a lot of time to do it right, and to me, the biggest difference is between the intention of are you trying to help everybody involved or are you out for just yourself at the expense of everybody else, which is a win losee?
Or are you in a win-win across time and space and multiple relationships? So that’s why I think of it as. Kind of a quadrant of mind control of am I trying to change your beliefs or your behavior to benefit me or me and you and everybody else? That’s kind of the landscape of influence, persuasion, manipulation, and coercion.
So hopefully that helps you understand what somebody means when they’re saying persuasion is icky because it means manipulating people. That’s why there are different words, but most people think of them all as the same thing. But now you understand that topology and you can make your way through it as you see fit.
So if you like stuff like this, you would love to be on my email list where I talk about persuasion in sales negotiation, business relationships everywhere all the time. I send those out every weekday. You can go to
good persuasion.com.
If you like more videos like this, I would highly suggest that you check out this one or subscribe to the channel.
So that you don’t miss anything else as I put it out. Thank you so much for watching, and as always, I like to say if you can change your mind, you can change your life.

June 26, 2023
How To Control Your Emotions: 6 Step Guide

As a Mentalist I’ve been fascinated by the mind & how it works.
I’ve been particularly interested in the deeper internal experience of emotions.
They happen faster than thought, so how could you ever hope to “think your way” into a better situation?
Turns out there’s a 6 step process that allows you to hack into your emotional systems to prevent high amplitude (high OR low) emotions from derailing you.
This isn’t denial.
This isn’t restriction.
This is more.
Better.

May 28, 2023
The Smart Kid Trap

I wanna talk about a meme that one of my friends shared on Twitter, made me laugh and I had to make this article.
“gifted child”
Background
My background, I’ve traveled the world as a public speaker, as an entertainer, working with some of the world’s largest companies and corporations.
This photo back here is me on stage in one of the most beautiful performing venues on the planet, and I make these videos to share my journey along the way.
The Meme
Which brings me to this meme.
Back when I was a kid a long, long time ago, I was on an academically gifted course track.
I got taken out of class to go do special stuff, and when you’re a kid and people are so proud of you for being smart, you start getting reinforced for being smart and thinking “Oh wow. Look at how easy things were for me. Look at how quickly I did that. I’m so smart. I’m amazing.”
And you start seeing the world through that lens.
“I’m somebody who’s smart and things are easy for me.”
Then, if anything feels like it might be difficult, well then that would mean I’m not smart, so I’m not gonna do that thing.
And you start to avoid anything that feels like hard work, because also, well, if I try something that’s hard, I’m probably going to fail at it, and then that doesn’t look very smart, so that will threaten the way that I see myself and how I know to get positive reinforcement from people.
So I’m not even going to try anything that takes effort.
Well, I hate to tell you: all the best stuff in life takes effort.
What Happens
Very quickly you sandbag yourself into never developing skills that will help you accomplish everything that you’re looking for. To me, that’s one of the biggest traps of being a smart kid.
You identify as that smart kid until you run into that wall of going, “Oh wow, this life thing is not easy. Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I’m a fraud.”
But you still can’t let go of that “Well, everything’s easy for me” identity. Ironically, holding onto that is what keeps you trapped in the cycle of never trying anything that is difficult, which is why the payoff of I love memes is really funny to me, is how simple it is.
Genuinely Clever
But also on the flip side, memes are incredibly, incredibly, clever and they communicate a lot in a very short amount of time. So if you dive deep enough into it, memes are one of the smartest ways to spend your time.
So in some ways, I haven’t learned a thing.
I’m still that same kid who’s scared of looking silly in public, which is why I make these articles.
Invitation
But yeah, that was really all I wanted to share. This made me chuckle and I thought you might enjoy it as well. That’s it for this post.
Remember: change your mind; change your life.

November 10, 2022
Backwards Alphabet

This is a sneak peek from my memory course where you learn how to completely transform your memory skills.

January 1, 2020
Cognitive Bias in Business

The Many Ways Thinking Can Go Wrong
Our brains are incredible creations. They run on about as much energy as the lightbulb in your fridge, yet it’s responsible for making sense out of millions of details all day, every day.
Things go well so often that it can be difficult to remember how wrong your brain can be more often than you might like to admit. This is why I love optical illusions & magic shows so much; they’re a friendly reminder that there are definite limitations to your cognitive abilities.
If you ignore that point in business, however, the results can be disastrous. Think about it: you could have the most amazing tech in the world, but it’s the people who are the most important part of your business.
Understanding where things can go wrong is infinitely valuable, so here’s a short list of my favorite cognitive biases to be aware of.
Confirmation Bias
We tend to remember, believe, or notice things that reinforce the things we already think about the world. This means we will ignore anything that challenges those beliefs.
In the business world this creeps up in beliefs about the the right strategies to marketing, employee retention, customer acquisition, and on down the list it goes.
Backfire Effect
This pairs nicely with Confirmation Bias. It’s what happens when you’re presented with information that completely disproves something you believe so you double down on your convictions.
You can show someone the right way to do something, but they’ll often dig in even deeper on the way they’ve been doing things.
False Attribution
“80% of all facts on the internet are made up on the spot.” ~Abraham Lincoln
This happens when someone wants an idea to appear more legitimate than it is, so they attribute it to someone trustworthy.
Correlation Is Not Causation
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc: “After the fact, therefore because of the fact.” This is the mistake of thinking that one thing happens before another, that the first thing causes the second. Just because two things are related, doesn’t mean they’re causal factors.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
Also known as the Gambler’s Fallacy because you’ve lost too much money to walk away, and you should stay in order to win it all back. “We’ve already come this far, would be a shame to stop now.”
Cherry Picking
Think of this as Confirmation Bias on steroids. This is ignoring thousands of scientific reports and believing a single experiment that suggests the contrary.
Takeaway
We’re all victims of poor judgement, specious reasoning, and illogical choices at times. The trick is to identify it as quickly as possible, and take the appropriate steps to get you back on track.
This can be difficult to identify on your own, so it’s important to get outside viewpoints on all areas of your business.

September 25, 2017
My True Superpower

I’m a professional mind reader, but that’s not my true superpower; it’s paying attention.
In high school my debate teacher asked us to try a simple experiment: think of something boring for 2 minutes.
We picked a door knob. He started the timer and within 4 seconds it seemed like my mind had pinged from one thing to the next so fast I wasn’t thinking of anything even remotely resembling a door knob.
“Monkey mind,” he said when I asked him what the hell happened.
I’d wager you have a serious case of monkey mind, too.
Did You Drink the Kool-Aid?
See, there’s there’s cult of multitasking. People think they’re good at doing several things at the same time, but the research doesn’t back it up. It reminds me of a quote my sweetie shared with me when she said when she was going to train for a triathlon:
Why be good at one thing when you can be shitty at three?
She gets it.
Multitasking is a myth. You can’t do it. You think you can, buuuuuuut you’re actually awful at it. Not only are you awful at multitasking, it means you’re substantially worse at the two (or more) things you’re trying to do.
I say “trying to do” because you’re half assing two things instead of whole-assing one thing, as Ron Swanson says.
3 Negative Results
1. Say Bye to Your Mental Reserves
You’re not actually doing two things at the same time. Instead, you’re rapidly switching from one task to the other. Every time you go from one to the other and back again, you’re wasting precious mental resources that are focused on the task of switching and not on executing.
This is a lot of energy expended with no tangible benefit.
2. More Time Wasted Equals Less Time Available
Since you’re spending all the time switching back and forth, you’re spending less time on the task at hand. This means that the task time you would normally spend on a single task is spread over more real clock time.
This is the complete opposite of efficient. Plus, if you’re looking for that “flow state” feeling where you’re in the groove, that takes (at minimum) about 20 minutes to get into. How long are you on task before you switch over to check text messages? I’d say every .5 minutes? Not nearly long enough to bring out your best work.
3. Your Thinking Is Bad, And You Should Feel Bad
Since you’re doing a lot of unnecessary work when you’re constantly switching back and forth, you fool yourself into thinking you’ve done more work than you have. Your brain says, “I’m super tired from all this work, and since feeling tired is the result of hard work I must have worked really hard on these two things! Yay me!”
And it’s lying to you! Your brain is conveniently editing out all the time between those tasks spent daydreaming, acclimating to the other task, or whatever other thing it’s doing that’s not productive focus.
OK Mr. Doom & Gloom. What Do I Do About It?
The good news is, like most human things, distractions exist on a spectrum. They range from barely there to BIG FRACKING DEAL.
At the BFD end of the spectrum is texting someone while you drive. Not good. Don’t do it.
At the Not A BFD end of the spectrum is just the awareness that you might get a text from someone. You’re not actually acting on anything, but that thought is occupying space in your brain meats.
Just the fact you could do something is on the slippery slope of eating away at your attention.
This is why so many people swear by browser plugins that limit the websites you can visit during the time you want to be productive. How often have you gotten tired of Facebook, close the tab, and then immediately open a new tab to check Facebook?
Install any number of browser extensions to break that automatic behavior loop to improve your focus.
Turn off your notifications on your cell phone when you want to be productive. And I’m not just talking about putting it on stun. Really, truly, turn off all forms of notifications. Or, better yet, put it on silent and then put it in another room.
Constraint vs Restraint
The more you engineer your environment to not even tempt you in the first place, the less you’re likely to engage in the tempting behavior.
This is the nature of constraint.
If, however, you’re relying solely on your willpower, you’re relying on restraint, and that sucks. Not doing the thing never feels as good as doing the thing.
There are only so many cupcakes I can say no to before my restraint wears off, and I give in. Compare that to not even having cupcakes around in the first place.
First is restraint.
No good.
Second is an environmental constraint.
More good.
Practice Makes Permanent
The more you practice focusing on one thing at a time, the better you get at controlling your attention. This is the way to tame the monkey mind.
One of the greatest compliments I got was a from a friend of mine who I met at a science conference. He told me a couple years afterward that he was impressed with how I was able to completely focus on our conversation instead of constantly looking over his shoulder for “more important” people to talk with.
(You know the deal; the networker who is constantly on the prowl for the higher status person to glom onto.)
The fact that I was completely 100% attentive & present impressed him so much he booked me to speak at a science conference he organizes in California.
Takeaway
Not only will practicing your focus improve the quality of work at your job, but it will improve the quality of relationships you can build when people feel like you’re actually totally present.
You can’t do it. Stop trying. Start using your superpower of sustained, singular focus instead!
Need help?
I can help you with that. Let’s chat!

May 24, 2017
Curiosity Killed the Cat

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]And it will kill you, too.
Millions of people are living life thinking about “what if?” They’re wondering how things could have been different.
They’re curious about that path they never took.
They’re living lives of quiet regret.
This is what happens when you only stay curious about something.
Too many people never exercise their curiosity. They never take action to find out how things could be different; they only think about it. They choose to daydream about an imaginary future where things are better. This serves to make them more discontent & unhappy with where they are now.
Even if where they are is pretty damn good.
Few people know there’s a second part to that saying:

And satisfaction brought him back.

Find a way to test things out. Curious about turning your hobby into your full-time job? Start a side hustle. Thinking about quitting your 9-5 to travel the world? Go on a mini vacation and test drive your theory.
Human beings are remarkably bad at predicting what will make them happy. Lottery winners are usually more miserable 6 months later than they were before buying that ticket.
Putting your curiosity into action in micro-doses will help you understand whether or not that imaginary future will actually make you happy, or not.
You’ll have the satisfaction of first-hand experience to make better & better choices.
What is it you’ve been curious about, but always thought it was beyond your reach?
What are you curious about that’s slowly killing you?
Don’t let it take control. Use your curiosity to guide your choices so you can move forward with the satisfaction of knowing for sure what will make you happy.
Seem impossible? Let me help you.[/vc_column_text][us_btn text=”Start Our Conversation” link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fwww.likeamindreader.com%2Fcontact%2F|||”][/vc_column][/vc_row]

February 19, 2017
What's Your Boat?

A monk decided to meditate alone, away from his monastery. He took his boat out to the middle of the lake, moored it there, closed his eyes, and began meditating.
After a few hours of undisturbed silence, he suddenly felt the bump of another boat colliding with his own.
With his eyes still closed, he felt his anger rising, and by the time he opened his eyes, he was ready to scream at the boatman who had so carelessly disturbed his meditation.
But when he opened his eyes, he was surprised to find that it was an empty boat that had struck his own. It had probably gotten untethered and floated to the middle of the lake.
At that moment, the monk had a great realization. He understood that the anger was within him; it merely needed the bump of an external object to provoke it out of him. From then on, whenever he came across someone who irritated him or provoked him to anger, he would remind himself that the other person was merely an empty boat; the anger was within him.

So, what’s your boat?

We like to think other people make us angry, and it seems perfectly reasonable to be angry when someone is specifically trying to make you feel that way.
Then you go one step farther and justify poor behavior “because I’m angry.” Not once have I ever acted out of anger and good come of it.
The next time you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself why that is, and what you hope to accomplish with the anger. Chances are there’s a better way to get the outcome you want from the situation.
Eventually, you’ll be able to see “empty boats” floating towards you, and you’ll kindly decline their invitation to crash your day.

February 3, 2017
Designers Are Mind Readers (And So Are You)

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]In order to create something that “just works” designers have to be mind readers. They have to get inside the heads of their intended user, and create something that feels natural & intuitive to use. This doesn’t happen on accident, and it can be a very difficult process to perfect.
The interesting thing is, you’re a designer too; you just don’t know it yet.

What Is Design?

At its core, design is simply the process of making a series of choices. Imagine you’re designing a cell phone.

“Do we use steel or aluminum for the body? Since steel will interfere with wifi signals, we’ll use aluminum. Now what about the processor?”

On down the line of questions you go, until eventually you’ve created a product that’s incredibly valuable.
Note: The end product is only as good as the quality of questions asked to create it.

The Same Goes For Your Life

Our lives are the results of the choices we make, so every decision contributes to the overall value of your life. Few people take ownership of the process, (or even understand the importance of their choices,) and wonder why their life isn’t how they think it should be.

Product of Your Environment

Just like the design of a cellphone is affected by the natural principles of physics, the design of your life is affected by the natural principles of psychology.
The less you know about how your mind works, the more challenges you’re going to have making choices that get you the results you want.

This is where the mind reading comes in handy.

Sometimes the most difficult mind to get into is your own. You constantly wonder why you find yourself in the same situations even though you think you’re making better choices. Instead, you’re just making different iterations of the same mistakes.
If you’re having trouble making lasting changes, it’s not your fault. We’re not taught how to think like designers & mind readers in school; we’re taught how to follow directions.
Fortunately for you, I’m both. I’m a designer by education & experience, and a mind reader for the past 20 years.
If you want to break out of the cycle you’ve been stuck in for years, I want to help you! Let’s chat. Let me know what you want to achieve, and we can develop a game-plan that’s specific to you. Let’s design something together![/vc_column_text][us_btn text=”Get In Touch” link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fwww.likeamindreader.com%2Fcontact%2F|||”][/vc_column][/vc_row]

January 30, 2017
10 Body Language Tips

So-called “Body Language Experts” are especially common around election time. News programs love having them on to dissect every nuance of the politician’s delivery.
Too bad it’s almost all crap.

As you can see here, he touched his nose which means he most likely had eggs for breakfast, which means he’s probably going to endorse military action against the penguins in Antarctica.

That’s an exaggeration, but you get the point. There’s no way that a momentary gesture, by itself, is going to tell you anything about their intentions, what they had for breakfast, or anything like that.
I feel like most people who write about body language make too many leaps of logic, and wind up in pseudoscience territory right alongside NLP.
Truth is, humans are already pretty good at understanding the nonverbal part of the communication equation, which is why texting is so frustrating. Texting limits the channel to only the words at the expense of being able to include tone, volume, eye contact, etc.
With that in mind, here are some tips on how to be an even better communicator by making some small tweaks to your in-person conversations.

1. Control Your Hands

In high school debate class my instructor told us, “Beware of using too many two handed gestures.” His point was to use gestures to intentionally underscore your message. If you use a single gesture too much, it becomes distracting as people start to wonder why you’re awkwardly holding your hands like that.
An extension of that is be mindful of how energetically you’re “talking with your hands.” I can’t tell you how many times someone gets excited and starts flailing their arms at a networking event only to backhand someone standing behind them. Suddenly the conversation is now focused on apologizing to the new person; not connecting with the potential business partner.
You can still show enthusiasm and excitement, just be sure to rein it in when you’re in a crowded party.

2. Be Open

You might be an introvert who is more comfortable at home by yourself with a book, and now you’re stuck talking with actual human beings. Ugh.
In an effort to protect your sanity, you fold your arms because it “just feels right.” Problem is, that feeling is coming at the expense of being able to connect with the person you’re talking with.
It’s literally the opposite of “welcoming someone with open arms.” You’re telling the other person their presence is unwanted, and you’re not comfortable with their being near you.
Put your arms down.

3. Be Congruent

As a mentalist & magician, my job involves lying to people, so I know what to look for in others.
The tell-tale signal is not too little or too much eye contact (as most people believe), but inconsistent behavior that is out of alignment with the message as a whole.
It’s like someone saying, “I love you!” with the right voice inflection, but their fists are clenched. Or, nervous fidgeting when they’re supposed to be relaxed.
Whenever it’s very important to communicate an idea, make sure everything you’re doing supports that message. Any one piece out of alignment will undermine your effectiveness.

4. Lead With Your Heart

This goes along with not folding your arms. If you want someone to feel like they can trust you, lead with your heart. Open your arms, and put your chest forward.
This is an incredibly vulnerable position, and it’s incredibly disarming for the other person to see you in it. My friend David Hira told me this secret, and he’s one of the most likeable speakers I’ve ever seen work. This is one of his most valuable tools; use it wisely.

5. Don’t Slouch

Bring to mind the textbook teenager who is completely bored & would rather be anywhere else but here. How is he sitting?
Chances are the person in your mind is practically melting out of his seat.
Slouching is basically your body’s way of saying, “I’m bored out of my mind, and I’d rather be anywhere else.”

6. Check In With Your Eyes

Researchers have determined that 3.2 seconds of eye contact are ideal. Anything less tells the other person you’re not at all interested, and your attention is somewhere else.
Looking into someone’s eyes as you talk with them allows you to check in with them, and them with you.
On the other hand, you don’t want too much.
Anything longer than 3.2 seconds is taken as aggression.
Think about someone about to get into a bar fight. He’s going to stare straight into the eyes of his target in an attempt to intimidate them.
Excessive eye contact is well understood in the animal kingdom as a threatening gesture. Don’t use it in the boardroom on accident.

7. Be Still

There’s something I like to call the “signal to noise ratio.” The message you’re trying to send is the signal, and anything you do that doesn’t support that message is noise.
Fidgeting is a prime example of pure noise.
Just like too many double handed gestures can be distracting, digging at your cuticles, twisting your hair, or whatever nervous habit you have will actively undermine your ability to connect with other people.
Fidgeting tells the other person you’re anxious, you’re uncomfortable, or that you don’t trust them.
None of those scenarios play out well for you.

8. Fix Your Thinking Face

You’re deeply engaged with what someone is telling you, and you’re actively onboard with them.
The problem is your thinking face.
Too often when you’re judging the merits of a decision, your face says you’re judging the person.
Your eyes narrow, your forehead wrinkles up, the corners of your mouth turn down as you play mental chess with the proposal.
You want to be known as someone who is thoughtful, not overly critical. Relax the scowl!

9. Shake That Sweet Spot

Just like there’s a happy medium with eye contact, so too is there a sweet spot for handshakes.
Too weak and you’re seen as lacking confidence.
Too strong and you’re seen as overly aggressive.
It’s an important moment. Don’t rush it, and it’s important to do it right.

10. Know Your Place

Are you, or someone you love a close talker? Do they not understand the concept of the personal bubble? Can you count the number of pores on their nose as they release day-old coffee breath straight into your face?
Close talking is a serious issue, so see a professional communication coach today!
Different cultures have different tolerances for personal space, so make sure you’re not erring on the side of too little. I can’t remember a single time I was talking with someone who stood too close and thought, “Boy, I wish they’d be even closer!”
Sure, it might be a crowded networking event and we have to be packed together, but if there’s space to spread out, do it.

All Together Now

As the saying goes, “Knowing you have a problem is the first step towards fixing it.” Sometimes we don’t even know we’re making these blunders until it’s too late.
Ask your friends to tell you honestly if they’ve noticed you doing any of these, and you might be surprised at how many they check off.
Or, if you’d like 1-on-1 coaching, having a professional communicator evaluate your skills is a phenomenal way to jumpstart your progress. Let’s talk!

December 27, 2016